


Hope.

by invawes



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Character Study, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-06
Updated: 2015-04-06
Packaged: 2018-03-21 14:02:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3695063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/invawes/pseuds/invawes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Levi was disgusted by his current existentional crisis. It was appalling. It was dirty. And Levi hated dirt."  - a short insight into Levi's mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hope.

**Author's Note:**

> I deeply apologise for any errors. English is not my native language. But since I'm quite happy with what I've created I decided to share it with you. I'd be grateful to receive some constructive criticism. :)

Kill the titans, annihilate the feelings. It should have been the primal rule of the nonexistent guidebook on how to survive the Survey Corps. And as much as it may seem like a joke, it was most certainly not. There was only one way of accomplishing that. To deprive oneself of humanity. Or at least become immune to the neverending feeling of guilt after the death of your significant ones. The guilt that seemed to slowly consume you from the inside until you were nothing but a barerly remembered memory of yourself. This was usually followed by falling straight into the arms of overwhelming darkness which you couldn’t resist beacause the light inside you, which might have helped you fight it, had been devoured by the very same guilt. There was no cure for this kind of disease. Only prevention could help one escape this trap. 

First of all, do not get attached. 

Keep everyone at distance.

Do not think under any circumstances that you might have even a slightest chance of indulging yourself in having bonds with people.

So easy to understand, huh? Yet no one has managed to do that. Even Levi, who did almost everything not to get too close to his squad. He failed miserably. He cared about them deeply. No matter how many snarky comebacks and nasty insults he threw at them whenever there was occasion to. And they knew that. And he knew that they did. 

Death wasn’t uncommon phenomenon in their world. And especially not in the Survey Corps. So no, the death wasn’t exactly the worst thing itself. The worst part of it all was seeing Petra’s father after.. what had happened. It was the dreadful glance which people shot him, eyes glowing with disappointment seeing they had failed. He had failed. Again. It was the smell of burning flesh after something that was supposed to resemble a funeral. And as much as Levi could maintained he was used to it, in fact he never was. He just pretended to be so others had to play tough as well. None of them tried to take his “mask” off. Although they were fully aware of the existence of it, they respected his choice to keep it on. Even Erwin, who seemed to see through the mask respected the invisible boundaries no one had the guts to cross.

Everything changed when he had met a certain titan shifter. A fiften-years-old kid who just had to make it into a life mission to scratch the surface of the mask which Levi wore. This brat, full of determination, childish stubbornness remembered him of the seeds of naive dreams that somehow were always planted in Levi’s heart. It infuriated him, it really did because he made him question his entire existence. While at the beggining he could happily admit he was indifferent to him, hell, he was ready to kill him with cold blood if something went wrong, he just couldn’t shake off the feeling that as time went by this kid somehow managed to get under his skin.

He grew quite fond of him. He did whatever it took to supress such feelings. Nevertheless, the harder he tried. the more frustrated he became. He shouldn’t have been doing that at all because such emotions should have never occured in the first place. This kid was fifteen. Levi’s was twice his age. Although mentally the brat was mature enough, it was still considered to be… wrong. Levi was disgusted by his current existentional crisis. It was appalling. It was dirty. And Levi hated dirt.

But was it?  
Was it really wrong to give into overcoming warmth which happened to flood his chest whenever he heard carefully spoken words filled with dangerously genuine affection?  
Was it really wrong to feel the constant need to make the boy feel safe, to protect him at all costs, even at the cost of Levi loosing his sanity?  
Was it really wrong to want to tell him about things he had always doubted that he would even mention to anyone?  
Was it really wrong to feel the strongest urge to make him smile? To see the wide grin spreading his chapped lips?  
As Levi reckoned it was definitely wrong. He was too scared to let himself think of sexual aspect of this peculiar situation which made his insides twist in uncomfortable knot. He was only focused on the emotional part. And it was horrible enough to think about. 

 

It was almost as if they danced around one another, each step taken with corresponding hesitation at a certain distance too afraid to meet each other in the middle. They didn’t even need to say anything. They both knew it had been already there. Left hanging in the air, ready to explode. Although Levi never intended on making any move since obviously he wasn’t that selfish, he was still afraid that one day he would snap and say something he’d regret his whole life.  
Sometimes he was bold enough to wonder what would happen if he actually did that. Would they be happy? At least for a week or two. Would it be worth it? However he wasn’t brave enough to answer such questions. Even to himself. 

Some of these thoughts left him trembling at night, gasping for air as he suffered through another pannic attack triggered by unwanted occurance of turquoise eyes during his very vivid dream. But it wasn’t the eyes that made him feel this way. On daily basis he was quite willing to drown in those eyes. It was rather the feeling that he shouldn’t have dreamt of them at all. After such incident he would always find himself taking a long, cold shower shaking of the feeling of disgust by his behaviour. Sometimes it made him nauseous realizing how in deep trouble he would have been if someone had found out. The truth was, he knew the people he cared about would accept it. But the rest of the world would not. Nasty, full of terrible scumbags society would never forgive Levi for that. They would make not only Levi’s life living hell but also his. He was ready to sacrifice his own feelings. 

Who was he? The boy whose words and actions seemed to flow alongside the blood right through his heart? The boy who touched his soul so deeply he began to question his entire existence? 

His name was Eren Yeager.  
Humanity’s last hope.  
Levi’s hope.


End file.
